Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER