Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

I feel it

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates