1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
You Might Also Like
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Free him
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.