1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
all bases covered
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Can’t stop laughing
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper