Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

won’t smith

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.