Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

If my kids invented a drink.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.