1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.