Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

called in thicc to work this morning

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

New menu item

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath