1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
You Might Also Like
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks