1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
You Might Also Like
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Awesome parenting 😂
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact