Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Wake me when AI does housework

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

philosophical skeletons be like

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?