Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.