Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*