Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

getting corrected

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

How animals would run if they were human