Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Beware of fowl play.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

🫶

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

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