1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I was bored.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen