Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.