Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

real

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.