Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Woke up against my better judgment again

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

I need this for my side hustle.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.