[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
