[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
