[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
