Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
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The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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Spotted in New Orleans.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.