Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever