Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.