Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

black phone good

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

pelicons

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM