Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.