[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
consequences, the bane of my existence
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.