@Home_Halfway
INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office
INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room
INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom
BIDEN: Okay, let’s go catch some Pokemon
@novicefather
[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES
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@Home_Halfway
@fillthevacuum
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
@Possessionista
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
@thatUPSdude
Oh shit I thought the sliding glass door was closed! Help help!!
@envydatropic
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
@AndrewChamings
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
@IamEnidColeslaw
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
@noneofyours99
Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!*one minute later*
Me- What about now?
@UncleDuke1969
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
@TheWeirdWorld
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.