@novicefather

[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES

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@Home_Halfway

INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office
INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room
INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom
BIDEN: Okay, let’s go catch some Pokemon

@fillthevacuum

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

@Possessionista

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

@envydatropic

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

@AndrewChamings

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

@noneofyours99

Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!

*one minute later*

Me- What about now?

@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@TheWeirdWorld

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.