When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
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Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I think I’m having a stroke
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.