@Sean_Burgundy_ Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don’t get too excited
@novicefather [1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES
[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES
- @novicefather
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@Sean_Burgundy_ 
@truegritrumble JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
@Parker_Simpson If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
@badbanana People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
@fizzlestothetop Obesity doesn’t run in your family…No one runs in your family…
@Flykins regardless means without regard
irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes
@bornmiserable [Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
@dhumann [speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
@Marcmywords2 “You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
@BuckyIsotope A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.