Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.