Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

My neck, my back, my…