Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”