Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

😊🦆

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

When I said I liked it rough.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time