1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Tuesday
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.