Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

the short answer to this question

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

dude it’s called proctologist

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.