[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
You Might Also Like
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?