[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.