Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Mhm.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team