*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..