Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”