Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

It’s his time

🤣dope

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥