Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Breaking news:

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask