[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
buying dead houseplants to save time
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy