[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
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Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Cake safety first. Always.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or