[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
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Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
when someone rings the doorbell
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.