Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.