[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
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HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT