Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE