1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
hardest line in real life
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Practicing safe sax
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
