1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
