1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Why do meteors always land in craters?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.