1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Fries, not lies.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
this is the best interaction on twitter
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.