1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
All excellent questions
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’