1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede