1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
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Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
What
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.