Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”