@SteveSuckington

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

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@KalvinMacleod

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

@yayalexisgay

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

@Kvy_kv

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

@sarahcpr

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

@Diversion50

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The Chosen Phew

@bonehugsnirony

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me