1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
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Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral