1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
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The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
crazy
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”