Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.