Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

Cats are still liquid.

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again