Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Intelligence is the new cleavage

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.