Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!

Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

umm…