Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish
Press 1 or 2 for Indian
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?