Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.
“Never go to bed angry” is the worst advice ever. I haven’t slept in eleven years.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house