@AudreyPorne

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

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@Michael1979

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

@batkaren

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

@_MustBeArkaydia

Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.

@RickNothing

“Never go to bed angry” is the worst advice ever. I haven’t slept in eleven years.

@lloydrang

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

@JohnLyonTweets

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

@Overdue_Bills

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

@jdforshort

6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house