@AudreyPorne

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

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@thtchicmichelle

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?

@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@mydmac

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@mommajessiec

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

@mattZillaaaa

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?