Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

congratulations to them

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible