Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.