2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!