2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
next question.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
new shirt idea
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Actually cracking up @ this
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: