2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
You Might Also Like
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
that de-escalated quickly
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.