“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too