“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
You Might Also Like
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Monday
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.