2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.