2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?