2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night