Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Did my cat write this

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue