2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Bear knowledge
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.